*For sisters looking for spouses,be open about your choices and share with your parents and elders. You have to be firm after all it is about your Deen…it is about the Deen of the generations to come.
*Make thoughtful decisions. Do not hurry and accept anyone and everything ! Do istikhara yourself. I know many sisters say that their decisions will not be heard or doesnt carry weightage. It could be a Hanfi/Shafi/Maliki/Hanbali/Ahle Hadith issue or it could be a Bengali/Gujrati/Punjabi/Bihari/South Indian issue or not allowing marriage outside family or community etc.
*Solution: Take a different route. Seek Allah’s Help. Pray Tahajjud. Make dua. That way if people try to force or do something against your wishes,Allah will Help and make their plans go all wrong if its not the right thing to do. But remember what you want should be halal and your intentions have to be right. You have to seek through halal means. Direct people you are interested in to the elders,mahrams instead of dealing with things yourself. Then leave it to Allah. If it is meant to be,it will be. Otherwise,someone better will come along,in sha Allah !
*If all along you have been that careless,impatient and irresponsible person then it will be even more difficult.People wont trust your decisions.
*Remember you are a Muslim youth. We have to be responsible people because we have to offer solutions of Islam to the world and benefit mankind for the sake of Allah. I say this not for marriage alone but in all aspects of life. Studies,housework,dealing with family,siblings,relatives,elders,those younger than you,servants…. People..elders observe and based on that they decide whether they will trust your decisions,..your choices or not.
*An example,often people say that marrying outside the family/community/madhab will be very difficult for the girl..how will she adjust..there will be conflicts etc… Now if you have been someone who has been good and gentle with people…adjusted well with situations without compromising on the morals…resolving conflicts,uniting people or you know how to deal with situations and dont get overwhelmed and upset very quickly etc..If you have been and acted mature all along then naturally that concern goes away…This is just an example based on observations and people sharing experiences with me.
*For brothers,instead of contacting sisters for proposing marriage to them or their friends,ask for the Wali’s contact details. Approach the Wali. Why share details with a sister and chit chat !!! It is not right.
*Marriage is something serious and its not just about 2 “cute” or “good looking” people posing for photos,going out together or looking good together. It is not something purely for physical gratification.
*The attitude of many young people,Muslims and non-Muslims..make me sad. Recalling the conversations I had with juniors,batchmates and friends. How can they treat it so lightly !
*It is sad that for any role/profession,people want a training to be able to do a job well. When it comes to marriage,it is just about learning to cook for girls and to earn money for boys ! And that is exactly what elders and society will tell you. For girls, “Abto pakana sikh lo ! Shauhar ko kia khilaogi. Sasural waley kia kahenge !” and for the boys, “Jab kamane lagega to ladki dhundenge
*When a boy and a girl get married all they think about is the romance that they watch on tv-serials and movies,the honeymoon !
*Marriage is about two different individuals,with different talents,personalities,different upbringings…so naturally there will be differences in thinking,decision making,choices etc…. That doesnt mean everything is wrong ! It means both learn to respect each other and come to common terms thinking of benefitting each other and others through their choices and decisions.
*Marriage is about sacrifices not just for the women but also men. The roles and responsibilities have to be clear to each. The role of a woman is what i think about often.
*In my opinion,a woman should maintain a balance.
Allah has given us the duty,He is our Creator and knows whats best for His creation and we as women can do the best i.e.in taking care of household duties,kids and family.
Now at the same time,we are slaves of Allah,who worship Allah alone,who should enjoin good and forbid evil.
We should take out time and gain knowledge (every Muslim man and woman should gain knowledge),do what we are good at and develop our talents and skills ,keeping in mind the commands of Allah. We can be role models for kids,youth,women folk around and our families.
Often we study and after marriage,it seems that the education was of no benefit. No ! Everything you learnt and went through was for a reason..it was to help you to become what you were meant to be.
An example.I am about to complete my Botany course.I will be starting Counselling and Islamic courses soon,in sha Allah. I want to be a social reformer,in sha Allah. I know its not easy for a woman but no one defined it that it should be changing people in a particular area or a country only.It can be reforming only 1 individual,family,school,college,workplace.Doesnt have to be entire city,state,nation !
Science taught me how to observe and analyze.Plants taught me about humans.
What I learnt from science-literally and from Islamic perspective..I can implement when I become a housewife.
What I learn from counselling,I can implement when dealing with my spouse,in laws,kids and those around me.
Thats how I can utilize my education and develop my talents and skills. Besides that I can organize charity fundraiser,clothes drive..events for kids and youth… Options are many !
We just need to be opportunists racing towards seeking the Pleasure of Allah and working hard to increase our good deeds like Abu Darda r.a.
*FOR EVERYTHING I SHARED ABOVE,ISLAMIC “KNOWLEDGE” AND WORLDLY “KNOWLEDGE” IS A MUST.”
It will help us in dealing with people,understanding them and when the worldly solutions fail,Islam will always work no matter what ! That is why a man and a woman who have the correct knowledge of Deen will respect each other even when
they dont agree with each other..they will not abuse or hurt each other or people around. They will know that during bad times patience is the key and during good times gratitude is the key. Tawakkul in Allah,striving in His Cause will work wonders in sha Allah. They will have a different outlook..a positive one and that will make them productive individuals,a role model for others and their family and kids.
(I know too many random thoughts together but that is how I thought I should write as it is all related and my aim is not to write professionally. I speak from the heart,what comes to mind,what I feel. If I am wrong,may Allah Forgive me.)
May Allah increase our knowledge and guide us all.Ameen